I have cancer
[This is a copy of the article I posted on my new blog. I mostly wanted it to reach the friends at planet.sugarlabs.org even if it's not quite on topic there.]
A couple of months ago I’ve been diagnosed with myeloma, a kind of blood cancer which is extremely rare in young people. It all starts from one of the cells in your bone marrow which replicates and takes over the system. Only one of the immunoglobulines you need is produced in excess, while the others disappears almost completely. As a result your immune system weakens and you are vulnerable to infections. Your bones lose their strength and they tend to break easily. Your kidneys are badly affected by the protein produced by the abnormal plasmacells.
It was a long journey to get there. Since a few years something was not quite right with my immune system. I was getting infections for all the winter, they was mild but hard to get rid of, even with antibiotics. Initially I didn’t get too worried about it, after all I’ve been getting colds very often since I’m born and I had moved to London, with its awesome winter weather… But gradually I started feeling something was really wrong with me, my body as a whole was not the same as before. I got very anxious about having some kind of cancer. There was no rational justification to that fear really, even in retrospect, but something inside me kept insisting that was the case. By the end of last year anxiety about my health was becoming unbearable. I was crying every day in panic for any small change I would notice in my body, unable to really focus on my life or work. In December I got pneumonia, I’ve been in hospital a few days and then slowly recovered. The tests I had didn’t turn up with anything abnormal. But I was certain it was going to happen again and in fact in March I was back in hospital with another infection, this time to the throat, I couldn’t swallow my own saliva and had a really hard time to breath. I recovered quickly but after a few days the results of a blood test showed abnormal protein in my blood. From there the diagnosis was pretty straight forward, I could have made it myself.
My first reaction was fear. Death, I believe, is not so much about your own disappearance but about leaving the people you love behind. You might never see them again. Our brain is extremely flexible, as I had the pleasure to experience during the ever surprising journey of my illness, but never and ever are concepts that are too large for it to deal with.
Then it was rage. If I had any trust in statistics, and I don’t anymore, it would be pretty much impossible for me to have this kind of cancer. Since a few months we had a beautiful life in London, an amazing daughter, I was happy as I’d never been before in my life and now cancer… It just felt too unfair, I was unable to accept it. I didn’t know what or who to blame but I needed someone, something to blame.
Then finally it was happiness. I felt it the first time while crossing London to go to the airport and fly back to Italy. It was an hard time, I felt I was leaving my beautiful life behind, perhaps to never come back. But it was while going through the images of my lost happiness, sitting near my daughter and watching the city disappear behind me in the dark of the morning. It was probably the silly song coming out of the cab, I can’t even remember it but at the time felt incredibly sweet. I understood how unfair it was to complain about my fate, whatever it was going to be. Because part of my fate was all the beautiful people, experiences and places I was going to miss. Because, most of all, part of that fate was Emily, the most extraordinary daughter a father could ever desire or conceive.
Anxiety, fear, rage and happiness keeps alternating in my mind. Emotionally it is certainly the most intense moment of my life. And even if it scares me I’m curious to live it, in its deepness and uniqueness.








































